Outside the Law

March 18, 2012

Gun Running

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jeniene @ 6:58 am

I can’t write. I can’t work. I can’t laugh. I can’t cry.  My throat is distended with not saying what needs to be said.  My hands are stilled by not doing what needs to be done.

I am really very good at not talking about things. I recognize that this is a grossly counterproductive character trait for a blogger.

Everything and nothing is happening and until I get to the place where I have even a singular answer, I don’t know how to talk about any of it.

And so I’m doing anything but dealing with all of this inside of myself. Part of that is good: it’s detaching, it’s letting go, and it’s acknowledging that my life can and will continue even if everything I think mattered has come to a screeching halt. Part of that is not good, however: it’s denying, it’s avoiding, it’s getting all worked up over researching bacon because I can’t let myself get all worked up about everything else.  Did you know that there is bacon flavored personal lubricant? This is an actual thing, people.

I also got the hell out of Dodge for a minute, which was way more helpful than I ever thought it could be. I am, by nature, a runner. I run away from that which hurts me, and so far, it’s a trait that has served me decently well in life. I have a stunning ability to disappear in plain sight.

It’s a crappy coping mechanism, but it’s mine. I let time handle the impossible business of healing what is otherwise incurable, and I convince myself the scars that will never heal, have. Abandonment Issue Angel sits on my shoulder telling me to just gogogogo.

So I went to Happyland.  It was awesome.  I had unapologetic fun. I went to bed at 9:30pm my first full night there because I have forgotten how to sleep these past few weeks.  I went to bed at 2:30am my last night there because I had forgotten how to get silly drunk with my friends in a hot tub.

And I talked. I talked about the things that I am not ready to talk about here, and it helped. I always forget how many people are willing to help you run your guns, if you only ask. I came back feeling a little bit lighter, a little bit more able to do the next thing that I have to do.

Even if I don’t know what that is, exactly, just yet.


  1. Sometimes running from leads to running to exactly what you need at the time. Every now and then you need to outpace those who run beside you. You can always stop and let them catch up.

    Comment by Heathet — March 18, 2012 @ 8:25 am | Reply

    • So so true, Heathnet. Thank you. Very thoughtful and supportive words.

      Comment by Jeniene — March 18, 2012 @ 4:29 pm | Reply

  2. J – I am so amazed by your ability to articulate feelings into words. I think you and i have even more in common that we know. I love you and am here to support you. I am here to help you run your guns!

    Comment by Hank — March 18, 2012 @ 3:50 pm | Reply

    • Hey Hank-I love you too. You are a phenomenal friend. Thank you.

      Comment by Jeniene — March 18, 2012 @ 4:29 pm | Reply

  3. Ah my dear friend…I too am a runner and it has served me fairly well in life thus far. In fact, I’m in MA because I ran. If I hadn’t run at that time I wouldn’t have married “the ex-husband” and had Mike. Although I have found that running doesn’t always work out. I’ve been doing it for so long that it gets TOO easy to run from people/things I don’t like, but it’s ESPECIALLY easy for me to run from people who hurt me. Running tends to create the I don’t give a flying F attitude, I can handle anything on my own! Please know from one runner to another that I will always be there to run with you, even if you want me behind you, in front of you or right by your side. You are an amazing person and I love you more every day. Take care of you. – Danielle

    Comment by Danielle Luzi — March 19, 2012 @ 3:07 am | Reply

    • I love you too, D!! Very much. I hope we never encounter anything that will cause us to run together but if we do, it will be a pleasure to run by your side. 🙂

      Comment by Jeniene — March 19, 2012 @ 3:35 am | Reply

  4. You express your emotional state exquisitely, Jeniene – and I’ve ‘got your six’ as they say. Let me know how I can support you!

    Comment by Peggy La Cerra — March 19, 2012 @ 5:53 pm | Reply

    • Thank you, Peggy! My “six” is now feeling quite well protected with you in charge.

      Comment by Jeniene — March 20, 2012 @ 1:28 am | Reply

  5. You shared words here and are connecting with readers as a result. Knowing others are at a loss for words, going through so much that no one else sees, reminds me that we all share humanity. I am stronger for this reminder. I say this means you are the very best sort of blogger. The words you do share say so much. Love to you!

    Comment by Icy Blue Studio — March 20, 2012 @ 3:58 am | Reply

  6. Dear Jeniene, believe it or not, the advertisement that appears on my screen at the bottom of your blog entry is for Tesco (supermarket chain here in the UK) and they have a deal with AVIOS a loyalty card group. And there, in big letters, under the AVIOS logo, beneath your entry it said: ANYTHING CAN FLY. Pretty neat eh? xx isabelle

    Comment by Isabelle Gregson — March 21, 2012 @ 2:53 pm | Reply

    • Isabelle, I totally believe that. What a cosmically awesome message.

      Comment by Jeniene — March 23, 2012 @ 12:32 am | Reply

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